Happiness

::Sigh:: I am just so head over heels in love. And someday we will get our happily ever after. We are perfect for each other in every possible way. I love you Schmoopie!!!


"No one will surrender tonight. But I won't give in. I know what I want." ~ Bella in "Twilight"

Some things I want to do in life...

1) I want to spend forever with the love of my life. This is without a doubt the most important thing in the world to me

2) I want to write novels and be successful at it

3) I want to travel the world (or at least the UK!) with the love of my life

4) I want to record my music

5) I want to learn different languages

Random things that I love

1) First and foremost, I love my boyfriend. He is my everything. He is the beauty in this world to me, and brings out beauty in everything around me. Everything seems so much more vibrant and alive because of him. Because he brings out the joy inside of me and makes me feel so alive. I love him with my whole heart and I will never stop loving him.

2) I love when it rains in the middle of the night, and the rest of the world shuts their windows, while I have mine wide open. I love the sound and the smell and the feeling it gives me. It's like it becomes my own personal rain storm and I'm free to get lost in the sound. It's the only time I will shut the music off and let the rain become it's own song.

3) I love curling up in a chair with my dogs and nice hot cup of tea from Harrod's (the only thing I could afford in there!) with a good book on a day when I don't have to be anywhere and it's storming outside.

4) I love when you see a movie so well done that it hits something inside of you and it keeps you up late into the night, just making your mind wander all over the place about your own life

5) I love the feeling of stepping off of a plane in another country and you have this whole new endless world in front of you, just waiting to be explored

6) I love that I cried when I landed in London, when I saw Big Ben from the plane window and feeling just in complete shock that I was actually in a place that I had wanted to go to since I was a little girl. What a great memory.

7) I love that my favorite holiday is St. Patrick's Day, instead of Christmas or something that everyone loves the most. And I don't love it because of the drinking aspect. I love it because it gives me an excuse to pull out my photos and dvds from my trip to Ireland and I can pretend for the day that I am back in that beautiful country full of different shades of green, sheep crossing the roads, and castles in every place you look.

8) I love going online and researching new music. Spending hours just listening to clips and reading reviews and ultimately finding the stuff that speaks the most to me. All the hours spent are always well worth it.

9) I love going to concerts and letting go and feeling like I'm a part of something bigger than myself

10) I love going to the beach and taking a good, long walk when the sun is just going down. Just me and my ipod, the waves crashing beside me, and my thoughts are free to go wherever they please

Yay the weekend is over!!!

It's funny because you never hear people say that they want the work week to start. Everyone lives for Friday's. I, once again, live for Monday's! I live for those rare, precious moments when we can do something as simple as make eye contact or send emails. Just being closer to you makes my heart race. You completely dazzle me everyday with how amazing you are- inside and out. I miss you so much babe. There were so many times today when I couldn't answer the phone and it just killed me. But I know that it won't be like this forever. We will be together. I just know it. And I am so incredibly happy just knowing that you are there. I was so lost without you. Every waking and sleeping hour, you are always in my thoughts and in my heart. I love you and I miss you.

Today's events

It's amazing how unexpected life can be sometimes. I guess in those moments, the moments where you feel like your world is crashing around you or you feel completely overwhelmed or unprepared, it's in those moments that you realize who will always be there for you. Who will always want to hold your hand and tell you that everything is going to be ok. I wish I could've been there with you today. You are going through something immensely difficult and due to circumstances that we can't control right now, I couldn't physically be there to hold your hand and tell you that it was all going to be ok. I just hope you know that my heart aches because you are in pain and that I will do anything to help you through this. I love you so much.

For my own Edward Cullen...

Not really song lyrics or anything. Just some words floating through my mind


Before you
my life was an endless
cloud covered night
filled with despair
and loneliness
and then you shot across my sky
like a million shooting stars
and I knew my life would never
be the same
It's as if I've been searching for the perfect song my whole life
and the song turned out to be you
Like all the events in my life
all of my past mistakes
it's all led me to you
and now the clouds have parted
and I can finally see the stars
and I wish upon every single one of them
that I will forever be able to whisper
I love you in your ear
My heart is yours and yours alone


I had the best time with you today. Always thinking of you and sending a million kisses your way....

"Hey Stephen" by Taylor Swift

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6wKX7OnqrI&feature=related

Cutest song I've ever heard. I've always liked it, but it's really become my song right now. Just replace the name "Stephen" with a different name...

"Cuz I can't help it if you look like an angel
can't help it if I want to kiss you in the rain so
come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you
can't help it if there's no one else
Mmm, I can't help myself"

"Hey Stephen (insert other name there!) I could give you 50 reasons
why I should be the one you choose
all those other girls, well they're beautiful
but would they write a song for you?"

Those are my favorite parts. Seriously can't get enough of this song today.

Just some music I listened to today :)

1) Lazlo Bane- Superman http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMV8L8Jl-cw&feature=related
in honor of "Scrubs" ending tonight. I've always loved this song so much. It reminds me that no one can get through life on their own, and that you need someone by your side no matter what. It also reminds me that the future is what you make it.

2) We Are Scientists- After Hours http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rv2_LSIujHk
so I know I posted this one already, but I really love this song right now because I think it's more than just a "let's go out and party" song. To me it represents how every day of your life can have a different soundtrack and how you can always potenitally have the greatest day of your life.


3) Colbie Caillat- Tailor Made http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dcPPZR2V4to
only audio I could find of the song- but it's ok cause I love "Doctor Who" anyway, haha. "He's tailor made for you..."

4) Taylor Swift- Love Story http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wRkoGKQ8qQ
"It's a love story, baby just say yes"

5) Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova- Falling Slowly http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoSL_qayMCc
this song represents falling in love to me. It's my all time favorite song

6) Paramore- Hallelujah http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xw2vcOWEJQ0
about not giving up on anything that you want in life

7) Taylor Swift-Fearless http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCqq48pOZM4
"with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress, fearless"

8) Plain White T's - 1,2,3,4 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYp0GVzmLgY
just a really cute, clever love song

9) Bella's Lullaby/River Flows In You- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q85sVxa3gN0&feature=related
probably the most gorgeous piece of music I've ever heard. makes me think of someone very special to me

10) Piano Tribute Players- When it Rains http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ph_MfjNaiic
beautiful piano cover of a Paramore song

Music, music and more music

1) We Are Scientists- After Hours http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zac0QEbQbE8

2) Cary Brothers- Ride http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3kALKf9oUY&feature=related

3) Ian McCulloch- Sliding http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJcHdLQFDeE
that's my boy playing guitar :) (john simm)

4) Hanson- Great Divide http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eEdoYyajTU8

5) Paramore- That's What You Get http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1XHJEYsF4VA

6) Bella's Lullaby- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fORuwYBL8c
I cried watching this. It's a fan made video, the music and quotes from the book just kill me.

Today's soundtrack

Got some new music today...

1) Sliding- Ian McCulloch feat. John Simm on guitar and backing vocals by Chris Martin. How did I not know about this song before today?! John Simm is my all time favorite guitarist.

2) Ride- Cary Brothers

3) Jealousy- Cary Brothers

4) Loneliest Girl in the World- Cary Brothers

5) Take Me Back- Tinted Windows

6) Battle- Colbie Caillat

7) Feel This- Magic Alex

8) Perfect Lie- Cary Brothers

9) Decode- Paramore

10) My Heart- Paramore

11) One Fine Wire- Colbie Caillat

12) Realize-Colbie Caillat

Taught myself to play One Fine Wire, Realize and Battle this weekend. Good stuff.

Friends

Don't be afraid of hurting me. Being friends with you means the world to me and I would never ever EVER want to lose that. Don't second guess anything. We have to be in each other lives in some capacity. I need you. All those months of you not talking to me were pure hell and I can't go back to that.

What I listened to so far today...

1) The Wind Blows- All American Rejects - just saw the new video for it and loved it
2) Bella's Lullaby- various versions
3) Claire de Lune- Debussy (I'm really into piano today for some reason)
4) Oh Star- Paramore
5) My Heart (Acoustic)- Paramore
6) Take Me Back- Tinted Windows
7) When It Rains- piano version of Paramore song
8) That's What You Get- piano version of Paramore song
9) 1,2,3,4- Plain White T's
10) Beautiful Eyes- Taylor Swift
11) The Lion Fell in Love With the Lamb- Carter Burwell
12) I Could Be There For You- Eisley

"Into Twilight"

"Into Twilight"

"The day is almost done
soon our time will come
and I'm so anxious
I feel like I could burst
right out of my skin

The sun is going down
the night is drawing near
and in this twilight hour
I know you'll be right here
right here with me

Oh but when the blackness comes
I know it's almost gone
there's no more sun
our time is done
so let's go back
go back into twilight

Listen to the the sound
of the rain coming down
we're safe in your car
I'm safe inside your arms
safe inside the twilight

It's the best part of my day
when we can get away
your eyes
they shine so bright
here in this twilight

Oh but when the blackness comes
I know it's almost gone
there's no more sun
our time is done
so let's go back
back into twilight

I never thought
that love would find me
but here in the twilight
I have all that I need
the sound of your voice
it's the best music I know
you know you mesermize me
Oh, I just can't breathe

Oh but when the blackness comes
I know it's almost gone
there's no more sun
our time is done
so let's go back
back into twilight"

Picture

I need answers, and I need them soon before I totally lose my mind. I just really want a picture or two of us together. I need that forever. This is the only experience of love that I will ever have, that I choose to ever have and I want to preserve it forever. I need it. I need one more day, or one more hour, or even 5 minutes. I need it. Please, I'm begging from the bottom of my heart. Or what's left of it anyway.

Tinted Windows= Amazing

I love love love love love the Tinted Windows album. Just like I knew I would. I'm too tired right now to write a full review, but I'd have to say after a few listens, I think "Dead Serious" might be my favorite and my next song that I learn on guitar. Great job Tinted Windows!

"One More Day With You"

"One More Day With You"


Baby I think you know
that I meant it
all the words I said
I don't regret it
It's so hard to believe
that it's been so long
so tell me baby
what did I do wrong

I can't understand
things changed so quickly
now I wonder
do you even miss me
You don't write back
You don't pick up the phone
so tell me baby
what did I do wrong

Chorus-
And I'm crying here tonight
I'm dying here tonight
all alone in my room
thinking it through
I'd give anything for one more day with you
I'm lying here tonight
all alone, it just ain't right
just thinking of you
and thinking it through
I'd give up the rest of my life
for one more day with you


Baby I know
you know I just can't stand it
You want me no more
this ain't how I planned it
it don't make sense
no sense at all
so tell me please
what did I do wrong

Baby I know that
you moved on without me
but I don't think you're really all that happy
you're stuck in a rut
just like I'm stuck in this hole
baby tell me please
where did I go wrong

Chorus


And I'm falling on my knees
just begging for you please
give me one more day
give me one more time
say that your heart
will stay forever mine

Chorus

tomorrow

Ok, so I think I'm about to do something incredibly foolish tomorrow, but I don't care, I have to do it or I will lose my mind forever. Maybe some good will come out of it. Maybe I will get my one more day at least. We shall see....

Here's today's soundtrack-

1) Love Story- Taylor Swift
2) Breathe In- Magic Alex
3) Decode- Paramore
4) Messing With My Head- Tinted Windows
5) My Heart- Paramore
6) Franklin- Paramore
7) That's What You Get- Paramore
8) Emergency- Paramore
9) Oh Star- Paramore
10) Born For This- Paramore
11) Conspiracy- Paramore
12) Misery Business- Paramore

Yeah, I'm on a bit of a Paramore kick today

Thursday soundtrack

What I listened to today

1) Messing With My Head- Tinted Windows
2) Kind of a Girl- Tinted Windows
3) Eyes on Fire- Blue Foundation
4) Cosy in the Rocket- Psapp
5) Love Story- Taylor Swift
6) Need You Now- Hanson
7) Decode- Paramore
8) Pills- The Perishers
9) You're Not Sorry- Taylor Swift
10) Dancing in the Wind- Hanson
11) Lost Without Each Other- Hanson
12) Let it Be- The Beatles

My fault

Sometimes I really feel like this is all my fault. Like the reason things went downhill and the reason for the split is my fault. I know he's scared of losing the most important thing to him, but honestly, nowadays, that can't happen unless you really are a truly terrible person and there is proof of that, and he is neither a terrible person nor is there any proof of anything wrong doing on his part. So it has to be my fault. I know I was scared for certain people in my life to know about us and it probably made it look like I was never gonna take that step, but thats not true. I took the step already. They know what happened and they know I want it back more than anything in this world. But I don't think I'm ever gonna be given that chance again. I blew it. I screwed it up. In other words, maybe I deserve to suffer and be miserable because I had the greatest guy in the entire world and now I'm never gonna get the chance to be with him again. I'd give anything for even just one more day. I'd trade the rest of my days for just one more with him.

Tinted Windows

I just want my Tinted Windows album! Why can't it be next Tuesday right now? I mean, I can't have anything else I want in life, at least I could have the music I want. I just listened to clips on amazon.com and it sounds like I'm going to be able to relate to a lot of the songs really well, plus there are a few "fun" songs thrown in there too. Can't wait to be sitting here writing my review of what is sure to be an amazing album. Then again, anything with a Hanson member in it is bound to be gold. Way to go Taylor, you musical genius :)

new song lyrics

"Be Ok"

"Someone said today
you should just be ok
stop your crying
and someone said today
get over the pain
you're not trying

I'm not ok

Someone said today
get over yourself
don't you give in
someone said today
let go of your chains
just start living

but I'm not ok
no I can't be ok

You say I'm masochistic
you say I love the pain
well how can I let go
when pain is the only thing that holds
it holds me when no one will

Someone said today
get off the floor
get a grip or you'll be sorry
and someone said today
you look so far away just like a zombie

Just be ok
I can't be ok
I need pills just to make it through the day
Be ok
I can't just be ok
no, you know it doesn't work that way"


Everyone asks me the same question all the time- "Are you ok?" For the millionth time people, no I am not ok. I'm as far from being ok as you can get. How can people expect me to get over having my heart ripped out of my chest so easily? I've had a rough couple of years. My father's health is always in question and the absolute love of my life left me alone. I am alone. And maybe it's time I start getting used to that. Too bad being alone means I'm stuck with myself.

Dreams

Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But I love you, in a really, really big hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.

That's what I dream about saying. I dream of him making that choice and actually choosing me for a change. The sad thing is, the minute you stop being a kid is the minute your dreams stop coming true. Being grown up means living in a scary, unfair world, where adults aren't allowed to have dreams anymore. We're just supposed to bury what's inside of us and hope that the world doesn't kick us in the ass too much.

Today's pain

Here's today's pain in a nutshell-

1) Cold As You- Taylor Swift
2) Whatever Gets You Through Today- The Radio
3) Don't Look Away- Joshua Radin
4) Superman- Lazlo Bane
5) A Perfectly Good Heart- Taylor Swift
6) Go- Hanson
7) Back to You- Tinted Windows
8) Chasing Cars- Snow Patrol
9) Metamorphosis One- Philip Glass
10) Once- Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
11) All the Way Down- Glen Hansard
12) Cosy in the Rocket- Psapp

Monday Monday...

Monday's soundtrack

1) Bleeding Love- Leona Lewis
2) Teardrops on My Guitar- Taylor Swift
3) Time of Your Life- Green Day
4) Tied Together With A Smile- Taylor Swift
5) I'm Only Me When I'm With You- Taylor Swift
6) Sometime Around Midnight- The Airborne Toxic Event
7) You Found Me- The Fray
8) The Good Kind- The Wreckers
9) Claire de Lune- Debussy
10) Accidental Deth- Rilo Kiley
11) Watch Over Me- Hanson
12) Cosy in the Rocket- Psapp

only one more week until the Tinted Windows album is out!

"Should've Picked Me"

Song I just wrote called "Should've Picked Me"

"I've been crying and fighting
the urge to break free
I don't know what to do
since you left me
It's never darkest right before the dawn
It's always darkest before it's all the way gone
So I guess I will just stay alone
and let my heart die on it's own
you could have me if you wanted
but you don't
no you don't

You should've picked me
you said that you would leave
she doesn't love you like I do
you should be right here
and always be near
instead you tore this all apart
when you should've picked me

And I'm not sure you ever really
meant the words you said
I shouldn't be the only one
fighting for this not to end
now we're both stuck living in misery
cuz..

You should've picked me
you said that you would leave
she doesn't love you like I do
you should be right here
and always be near
instead you tore this all apart
when you should've picked me

I'm the one who loves you unconditionally
so get up baby and fight for me
please fight for me
cuz...

You should've picked me
you said that you would leave
she doesn't love you like I do
you should be right here
and always be near
instead you tore this all apart
when you should've picked me

You could have me and your life if you wanted"


This song for me represents how if you really, truly love and care for someone with your whole heart, then you should fight to keep that person in your life no matter what. There are always bumps in the road, but there's nothing that love can't overcome. Things have a way of working out when you have that one true love by your side. I know I've proven that my love is strong and willing. Still, it doesn't seem to matter. But even though he doesn't want to try to be with me, I still want him to care about me. I still want him to talk to me. I still feel such a deep connection to him even after all this time and that will never change.

Tied Together With a Smile

My favorite song lyric right now-

"Hold on, baby you're losing it
the water's high, you're jumping into it
and no one knows, you're letting go
you cry, but you don't tell anyone
that you might not be the golden one
and you're tied together with a smile
but you're coming undone"

by Taylor Swift

Why can't I write stuff like that? Everything I write sucks. I should just give it up. It's not like I'm gonna be the next Taylor Swift or anything. I'm not gonna be the next anything.

Not a good day

So far this has not been a good day. Granted it's only 9:17 am, but it's not gotten off to a good start at all. If a certain someone happens to read this- you can talk to me. I'm sorry if you saw me cry the day before you left, but don't let that stop you from talking to me. I cry everyday, it's nothing new. I just don't want to lose all connection to you. It hurts way too much.

Sunday Soundtrack

Just in case anyone cares, here was today's soundtrack

1) Teardrops on My Guitar- Taylor Swift, listened to this about 10 million times today
2) Forever and Always- Taylor Swift, "back up, baby, back up, did you forget everything? I was there when you said forever and always"
3) Let Me Sign- Robert Pattinson
4) Luka- Suzanne Vega, beautifully written song. makes me cry
5) I'm Only Me When I'm With You- Taylor Swift
6) Cath...- Death Cab For Cutie
7) Breathe Me- Sia
8) Runaway Run- Hanson
9) Bella's Lullaby- Carter Burwell
10) Head Over Feet- Alanis Morissette

I miss you

Just some lyrics I wrote today. The actual title is the name of the person it's about. I miss you more than I could possibly express. I would do anything for you.


"Sitting in your car
in a crowded parking lot
you held my face inside your hands
and the whole world was forgot
you pressed my hand against your heart
you held me underneath the trees
down in the park
you kissed my lips
and the whole world was forgot

The nights in the hotel
the first time you said the words
the nights spent holding the phone
thinking of you and feeling less and less alone
Oh, 1, 2, 3 mix cd began it all
began our love, I thought we'd never fall

and now you're gone

I guess this is why I write songs
I've got nothing profound to say
just spilling my heart down
to preserve you in words
to remember every day we spent
to preserve you in pages
so I will never forget
No I won't ever forget
I won't ever change
time may pass, but I will love you just the same"


I LOVE YOU.

Colbie Caillat- "Realize"

I'm in love with this song today. "Realize" by Colbie Caillat


Take time to realize
That your warmth is crashing down on in
Take time to realize
That I am on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you?
But I can't spell it out for you
No, it's never gonna be that simple
No, I can't spell it out for you
If you just realize what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And we'd never find another
Just realize what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other, now
Take time to realize
Oh, oh, I'm on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you?
Take time to realize
This all could pass you by
Didn't I tell you?
But I can't spell it out for you
No, it's never gonna be that simple
No, I cant spell it out for you
If you just realize what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and we'd never find another
Just realize what I just realized
We'd never have to wonderIf we missed out on each other

"I'm a Wreck, I'm a Mess"

Just some more lyrics I wrote at work today. Don't have music for this one just yet.

"Driving on home
after another long day
looking back at everything in the mirror
I'm missing your lips and the taste of your kiss
it's hard to believe it was real

I'm a wreck, I'm a mess
it's so hard to make sense
why my life was ripped from me
so suddenly
Why you went away
with not much to say
I don't understand how you could leave me alone

We fought for our love
we threw it back in their faces
and we smiled, we laughed
we were in love
guess the fight got too hard
and I wasn't enough
cuz you gave up, yeah baby
you gave me right up

I'm not mad, I'm just sad
I know you had your reasons
you'd be with me baby if you could
I'm a wreck, I'm a mess
it's so hard to make sense
but I'll be here
yeah I'll still be right here
just a wreck, just a mess
just in love"

Wreck of the Day

One thing I know for sure...I'm in love and always will be. There's nothing that can happen to me and there's nothing that anyone can say to me to change how I feel. No matter how much of a wreck I am over losing what I had, I still say it's worth the pain. When he's not around, I feel like less of a person. Just his presence is a piece of me that is too strong to let go of. I don't want anyone else. I fear that no one will ever compare. No one ever can compare. Call me crazy, call m obsessive or whatever other name in the book there is, it's not gonna sway my feelings. Love isn't supposed to make sense after all.

To whom I hope is reading all of my posts, please don't be afraid of what I say. It merely feelings I must get out, and you know you are the only person I've ever truly been able to talk to. Just take what I say and don't think less of me for it, please.

At least I still have music. This is one crazy, mixed up world in which I feel like most people are just barely getting by, just like me. You can hear that in the music. We are all just trying so desperately to hang on and not give up. Even in songs that aren't so serious on the surface, maybe the artists are just trying to lighten the darkened mood, the black cloud that seems to constantly surround us all. I may never really figure anything out. But like I said, I know one thing for sure. It's that love is worth fighting for. Love is worth the pain.

Reckless

I don't know why, but lately I really feel like doing reckless things. Like Bella in "New Moon" when she lost Edward and she would do anything reckless just to hear his voice (read Twilight series if you don't get that reference.) It's really strange. I got my cartilage pierced on my left ear over the weekend just for the hell of it. I'm thinking about getting a tattoo and maybe dying my hair a different color. What the heck is wrong with me? I never used to think about doing this stuff. Not like getting an ear piercing is anything to write home about, but when you're me, you don't ever think about just randomly doing things like that. Guess there's things about me that have changed over the last few months.

New song lyrics

Don't have a title for this one yet....


"Why do the answers
always elude those who seek
my mind keeps on searching
but I never find anything

And the searching leads to loving
and the loving leads to pain
and pretty soon you're left
wishing you couldn't feel anything

And the answers are non-existent
to the ones who need them the most
to the ones who can't get what they want
to the ones who have already lost

You could probably tell any kind of lie to my face
I'd sit there and smile and believe every word you say
and the lies they lead to loving
and the loving leads to pain
and pretty soon you're left
wishing you couldn't feel anything

And the answers are non-existent
to the ones who need them the most
to the ones who can't get what they want
to the ones who have already lost

Oh and I've been running in my sleep
trying to find you, but you're always so out of reach
out of reach..

It's just not fair

And the answers are non-existent
to the ones who need them the most
to the ones who can't get what they want
to the ones who have already lost

And the answers they stay hidden
and they won't come out to play
they just laugh and keep me locked up
day after day after day

Oh the answers, they lead to the truth
and the truth is a fragile thing
and the blood in your mouth
says you've been biting your tongue
you've got something that you won't say"

Now if only I could think of a unique title for it...

Truth, Bitter Truth

I realized a lot this weekend. Firstly, I feel like I have no answers in my life. No answers as to why certain things happen, the real reason why things didn't turn out like I planned or like we planned, what I'm supposed to really be doing with my life, etc. I know I'm wasting my time sittng behind a desk all day when there's probably so much more I could be doing. I would love to work in music, but for one thing there's not that many jobs open in that, and for another I'm afraid that if I work in it I won't love it the same way I do now, and my heart can't handle losing something else that I love so dearly. I really should be on my way to work right now, but I don't feel like going this week at all. My head is spinning with unanswered questions and confusion. I was told once that I've built an imaginary cage around myself, and perhaps this is true because I certainly do feel held back right now, but there's no way to break through that cage when someone else always gets what you want. I can't break through when the world doesn't make sense. It's hard feeling so much older than you really are. I can't talk to anyone because no one else thinks the way I do. At least not at my age. How can your life flash before you at 23? I feel like I've lost all meaning and like I've lost sight of searching for whatever it is my purpose is here. I honestly think that without music I wouldn't still be alive. I've lost too much, it's the only thing keeping me afloat. Someone please give me some answers. Life shouldn't be this confusing or this unfair.

TGIF- What I'm listening to today

Thank God it's raining outside today. I love a good rainy day. It's fits a lonely mood.

1) Portions for Foxes- Rilo Kiley
2) Trouble is a Friend- Lenka
3) Breathe In- Magic Alex
4) Rocket Man- Elton John (something about this song is just very calming to me)
5) Kind of a Girl- Tinted Windows
6) Messing With My Head- Tinted Windows
7) Flightless Bird, American Mouth- Iron and Wine (can't get enough of it)
8) After Hours- We Are Scientists
9) The First Single- The Format
10) Does He Love You?- Rilo Kiley

Song #3 "The Ring"

"The ring on your finger
it cuts me to the core
it says your heart is taken
while mine stays shattered on the floor

Talk, please just keep it coming
talk is all I get, all I can ask for
a sideways glance
on your way home to her

Oh, I've tried to get past the pain
to not imagine your face
but who am I kidding?

Oh, the face in the mirror
this girl staring back at me
she's a stranger with vacant eyes
with shattered hopes and distant smiles
she can't exist without the one
the one who cut her, the one she loves

So I put one foot in front of the other
day after day
sometimes don't know why I bother
Oh someone tell me why

You've got your life
mine got lost along the way
lost when you left me
broke it off and drove away

Oh, I've tried to get past the pain
to not imagine your face
but who am I kidding?

Oh, the face in the mirror
this girl staring back at me
she's a stranger with vacant eyes
with shattered hopes and distant smiles
she can't exist without the one
the one who cut her, the one she loves

Oh, it's a modern day Montague and Capulet
with eyes like yours
how the hell am I supposed to forget
the girl I was, the girl you know
she stays with you, and I am through
I am nothing without you

Oh, the face in the mirror
this girl staring back at me
she's a stranger with vacant eyes
with shattered hopes and distant smiles
she can't exist without the one
the one who cut her, the one she loves

Do you remember us at all?"

Some of my favorite song lyrics of the moment

"As deep as I need you, you wanna leave it all. What can I do? Say it's true, or everything that matters breaks in two. Say it's true, I'll never ask for anyone but you. And I know that you want us to figure it out, and God knows I do too. What can I do? Say it's true, I'll never ask for anyone but you." ~ "Another Heart Calls" by All-American Rejects

"I don't know why, but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress fearless" ~ "Fearless" by Taylor Swift


"If I told you you were right, would you take my hand tonight?If I told you the reasons why, would you leave your life and ride?" ~"Ride" by Cary Brothers

"Pain make your way to me, to me. And I'll always be just so inviting." ~ "That's What You Get"by Parmore

"I've seen love die way too many times when it deserved to be alive. I've seen you cry way too many times when you deserve to be alive." ~ "Emergency" by Paramore

Songs I'm listening to today

Just being random, here's my playlist today-

1) Kind of a Girl- Tinted Windows
2) Flightless Bird, American Mouth- Iron and Wine
3) Breathe- Taylor Swift
4) If You Want Me- Marketa Irglova and Glen Hansard
5) Forever and Always- Taylor Swift
6) Love is Worth the Fall- O.A.R.
7) Ride- Cary Brothers
8) That's What You Get- Paramore
9) Lie- David Cook
10) One More Day With You- Eisley
11) Not Sure- Fiction Family
12) Never Think- Robert Pattinson
13) Another Heart Calls- All-American Rejects
14) Decode (Acoustic)- Paramore
15) Sunday Bloody Sunday (U2 Cover)- Paramore
16) All the Way Down- Glen Hansard
17) I Know I Know I Know- Tegan and Sara
18) Full Moon- The Black Ghosts
19) Emergency- Paramore
20) Teardrops on My Guitar- Taylor Swift

Another day

So I definitely should be working at the moment, but you can see how much I feel like doing that. It's just the same old stuff, different day. On the positive, my father seems to being doing ok lately, I think we're supposed to get some rain at some point this week, and my Gaelic Storm concert is this Friday. Plus, Paramore in June!!! I really can't wait to see them live. They better play "That's What You Get" because that is my song. Anyway, back to work.... oh joy!

Ok, time for something a little less heavy...

1) Don't feel like working tomorrow!!!

2) I'm currently watching one of the best Seinfeld epiodes ever- The Junior Mint!

3) I watched "Once" last night for the first time in months and I sobbed through the whole thing, even though I know it by heart! Best part of that movie is when Glen asks Marketa in Czech "Do you love him?" and she answers in Czech, "No, I love you" but never tells him what she said. Heartbreaking!

4) I have Paramore stuck in my head as usual

5) If anyone has any music suggestions for me, I'm always on the search for something new. It's only be like a week since I bought new music, so it's time...... :)

Song #2 "Muse"

Draft of song #2 entitled "Muse" (excellent band by the way!)


"This isn't the kind of song I wanted to write
it's 4 AM, I still haven't slept all night
still tossing and turning
it's not comforting to know
that you're out there somewhere
feeling broken and alone

The eleven o'clock hour resonates
it lasts the whole night through
the memories, the flashbacks
of the day when I met you

My muse...

The rain falls down upon the ground
against my weary face
I miss your lips, your everything
your fragrance and your taste

The raindrops are teardrops
Weeping angels in the sky
They cry for me, they cry for you
they cry and cry and cry...

Oh my muse, my trance
I will never let you go
The rain from eyes, it's soaking my bed
my face, my pillow, were I rest my throbbing head

Oh my muse, my inspiration
the rain continues to fall
there's nothing to hold on to
no pictures to be found
so the rain will keep falling, down, down, down

Oh my muse, my trance
you say that I'm the lucky one
well I'm all alone
with no one to hold
with nothing to keep me warm

Oh my muse, my twilight
I can't let go of you
please don't give up
don't let go of me
for this isn't the song that I wanted to write

Oh my muse... "

Needs a lot of work, but whatever

Talk to me

I want you to know that I'm thrilled to have you speaking to me again. To have you acknowledging my existence. I know that you don't want anything more than that, and I respect that. Just know that I will NEVER be over you because I feel in my heart that you are forever my soulmate. No one will ever change that. I told you a long time ago that you are stuck with me, and being the stubbon self that I am, you truly are stuck with me. You're stuck with me loving you for the rest of time, whether you want it or not. The heart wants what it wants, and my heart is constantly screaming your name. Get used to that and never tell me to let you go, because I won't do it. You need someone to love you, even if you can't love me back. As much as that kills me, I won't let go of my love for you. It's too strong. You are my best friend and the only person in this world to truly understand me. So keep talking, because I'm ALWAYS here to listen. The phone isn't gone, the emails are all saved.. it's all still there. So keep talking... please, for my sake, keep talking....

Song #1 "Sweetie"

Ok, this is just the first draft of this song entitled "Sweetie." Only one person knows the significance of this title. Here goes nothing...

"I'm trying so hard
just to push you and the past aside
just like you pushed me away
with no real explaination why
my love, my soulmate, my one and only scar
oh God, let's face it..I'm not really trying all that hard

Oh, it's just not an option to let you go
the obstacles, the negativity, the lies that people told
they are no match for me, for the love that my heart holds

So forget about the mistakes
we did the best we could
take hold of my hand love, let's be what we should
let's break down these walls
and leave the pieces on the floor
take my hand love
and let me be your sweetie once more

Oh, I know that you still want me too
underneath the calm exterior
the pain is showing through
once and done was never quite enough
the journey isn't over
so hang on love, the water's getting rough

We let them beat us
We let ourselves down
We laid ourselves down on the ground
With broken fists and bloodshot eyes
But our love is irrevocable
This fact you can't deny

So forget about the mistakes
we did the best we could
take hold of my hand love, and let's be what we should
let's break down these walls
and leave the pieces on the floor
take my hand love, and let me be your sweetie once more

We gave each other everything
but there's still room to grow
still love to show, still nights to hold
still places we should go

So forget about the mistakes
we did the best we could
take hold of my hand love, and let's be what we should
let's break down these walls
and leave the pieces on the floor
take my hand love and let me be your sweetie once more

Please my angel, let me be your sweetie once more

I haven't given up on you yet...

The purpose of this blog

The purpose of this blog is to get my feelings out from the cage they stay locked in day in and day out. There's only one person in this world that I can truly talk to. That I can be myself around. And I lost him. I guess my hope is to somehow, someway connect with him through this blog. I know there's only a small chance that he will take the chance to read this, but it's something I have to do, even if it's just me reading it. It's gotta come out. Don't let anything in this blog worry you or frighten you. It's just me, and you know me. I often write songs and will be posting the lyrics on here, so if anyone does actually read this, please don't be too critical of me. It's just the thoughts floating in my weary head....

There is only one person in my life who will know of this blog and who will know how to find it and you know who you are, so feel free to comment or communicate with me through this. I can't force you to, but it would be nice to hear from you.